Alone in the Boll

*In Nitsuj’s house Nitsuj is relaxing and playing videogames with the Jack Bros. while the AI girls are in a deep sleep because of updates.*

(Pyro Jack): So let me get this straight. They’re being updated as we speak?

(Nitsuj): Yes. They’ll be stronger and have new weapons. Shizuku, Mira, and Chibi have been heckling me about their second forms so I spent the last 6 months creating them seconds forms. During this time I found a way to better enhance the second forms of Isis, Seras, and Yin-Yang so I figured a good update would be easier than just manually installing them separately.

(Jack Frost): So they’re not in any danger are they?

(Nitsuj): No. They’ll be fine as long as nothing interrupts the process. Plus I’m here so they’ve got nothing to worry about.

*Nitsuj’s doorbell rings*

(Nitsuj): Coming!

*Nitsuj answers the door*

(Nitsuj): Hello.

*Nitsuj goes flying through his house after getting punched*

(Nitsuj): What the hell!?

*The man who punched Nitsuj enters the house decked out in black armor emitting a purple aura. The man takes off his helmet and Nitsuj quickly realizes who it is*

(Nitsuj): Uwe Boll?

(Boll): That’s right jackass. I’m back and I’m here to get revenge on the bastard who kicked me into outer space.

(Nitsuj): Oh, I guess you’re still mad about that huh? Well allow me to express my condolences.

*Nitsuj hits the wall and a laser Gatling guns pop out from the ceiling and fires on Uwe Boll. Boll blocks the barrage of attacks while Nitsuj uses this chance to run away and meet up with the Jack Bros. in the kitchen*

(Jack Frost): Hey what’s going on?

(Nitsuj): Fucking Uwe Boll! I kicked him into outer space last year and now he’s come back to kill me. He’s wearing some kind of demonic black armor that’s emitting this evil aura.

(Pyro Jack): Really? What color?

(Nitsuj): Purple.

(Pyro Jack): Oh boy. That’s not a good sign. Come on bro we got to do research on this armor. Keep him busy and try not to die on us Nitsuj.

*Jack Frost and Pyro Jack take the backdoor out while Uwe Boll destroys the Gatling guns and sets his sights on Nitsuj*

(Boll): Your little toys won’t save you this time. Thanks to this new armor I got from space I’m invincible. I outmatch you in every way.

(Nitsuj): Except for intelligence and looks. And creativity. And artistic creation. And as a writer. And-

*Uwe Boll lunges towards Nitsuj and elbows him in the chest where he falls to his knees*

(Nitsuj): The truth hurts doesn’t it you bastard?

*Uwe Boll grabs him by the throat and begins to strangle him but Nitsuj spits out the green mist to blind Boll*

(Boll): Ahh~ my eyes!

*After regaining himself Nitsuj attacks Uwe Boll with a barrage of punches to the face and chest*


*Nitsuj fires off a series of rapid punches striking Boll everywhere. Nitsuj finishes his attack with a uppercut to Boll and he falls to the ground motionless. Nitsuj begins to breathe heavily*

(Boll): *evil smile* Boring. So boring. *Gets back up instantly* Your attacks are so boring!

*Boll unloads a series of punches on Nitsuj hurting him badly and slams Nitsuj through the kitchen table*

(Nitsuj): Damn it Boll! You know how much this table cost?

(Boll): Doesn’t matter. You’re gonna die in the next. . .I don’t know 5 maybe 10 minutes tops. I haven’t decided if I want to kill you painfully quickly or do it painfully slow.

(Nitsuj): I chose option C. A bite to the ass.

(Boll): Huh?

*A cyber wolf comes in from behind and bites Boll in the ass allowing Nitsuj to get up. His cellphone begins to ring and he answers it*

(Nitsuj): Whoever this is it isn’t a good time.

(Jack Frost): I beg to differ, as this information is a matter of life and death. Me and Pyro have been researching that armor and we’ve discovered that the armor is called the Black Meteorite armor. Centuries ago in Scotland a meteorite fell from the sky and landed in Scotland. The meteorite was discovered by a young swordsman who needed armor to fight in a battle so he rolled the meteorite to a blacksmith and had him craft a fine suit of armor. The armor was strong and efficient and with it the swordsman was able to survive many great battles. But something soon changed in the young swordsman. His mind slowly craved to fight others, his skin began to darken, and he soon discovered that he could use magic. Thanks to the powers of the cosmos the meteorite somehow gained some power which was slowly corrupting the young swordsman. Realizing this he stopped wearing the armor and knew he had to send it back where it came from so that no one else could use it. The swordsman knew he didn’t have the technology to send it back into space but he knew someday humans would learn to reach the cosmos so he passed it on from heir to heir until finally the armor found its way into the hands of NASA who were asked to send it back into space. After receiving a large sum of money from the heir NASA agreed to secretly launch the armor into space along with one of its satellites and since then the armor has been floating in space.

(Nitsuj): So what does this armor do specifically?

(Jack Frost): Grant you super strength, invincibility, and he can shoot purple lighting and energy shots from his hand.

(Nitsuj): Well he hasn’t done that yet.

*Boll shoots a bolt of lightning at the wolf who bit him and fires off an energy shot at the wolf trying to attack him from the side*

(Nitsuj): I stand corrected. So how do I beat him?

(Pyro Jack): You can’t. As long as he’s got that armor on he’s pretty much unbeatable. Your only hope at beating him is to get him to remove that armor.

(Nitsuj): Don’t think he’s in any mood to remove it. Wait! What time is it? And don’t say its Adventure Time otherwise I’m gonna rip your head off and use it as a prop for this year’s Ani-ween.

(Pyro Jack): It’s about 5 minutes till 2pm.

(Nitsuj): Great! *Nitsuj hangs up the phone* Just gotta last for 5 more minutes.

*Nitsuj calls in the other cyber wolves and they gather around him*

(Boll): Your little puppies don’t scare me anymore.

(Nitsuj): Well then you obviously haven’t seen them on a night of the full moon. Boys, its rave time.

*Nitsuj claps his hands twice and the whole house goes into lockdown mood. The lights go off and it becomes pitch black. Soon rave music begins to play and flashing lights begin going on and off as the cyber wolves and Nitsuj now carrying a sword use this as a cover to attack Boll. Boll dazed and confused by what’s going on can’t keep track of Nitsuj and the wolves as they attack him.*

(Boll): Enough~!

*Finally frustrated with their attacks Boll unleashes an energy shockwave which stops the rave and sends Nitsuj flying outside the house and into the backyard with the rest of the wolves. While Nitsuj’s attacks didn’t hurt Boll in the slightest Nitsuj was able to snatch off Boll’s helmet*

(Boll): Nice try. But as long as I have the meteorite armor on me nothing you do can defeat me. So stop fighting and just accept defeat.

(Nitsuj): Not gonna happen.

*Nitsuj pulls himself up all tattered up and swings his sword at Boll only to have Boll snatch it away and breaks it. Nitsuj stands there with a shocked look in his face*

(Nitsuj): Dick.

(Boll): Yep. And you’re the ass I’m about to fuck up.

(Seras): Care to repeat that you sorry looking son of a bitch!

*Boll turns around to see who said that only to get punched in the face by Seras*

(Nitsuj): 2:00 right on the money. Man, I’m good.

(Seras): Sorry. But the right to kill Nitsuj is mine and mine alone.

(Nitsuj): And she’s a lot scarier than you Boll.

(Isis): Well Mr. Boll it seems you did a good job roughing up our master while we were updating ourselves.

(Mira): Allow us to pay you back 10 no 100 times over.

(Boll): You really think a bunch of whores are gonna scare-

*Just before Boll could finish his sentence he gets shot in the body with an explosive arrow from Seras*

(Seras): Crossbow. I like.

(Nitsuj): Yeah I figured you needed a long range weapon.

*Seras fires off another arrow only this time Boll dodges it by jumping in the air only to be greeted by Shizuku and her new buster sword*

(Shizuku): Kireme buster (Break buster)!

*Shizuku swings her big sword down on Boll who blocks it with his arms but the impact slams him back to the ground*

(Shizuku): Not as heavy as I originally thought.

(Nitsuj): You’re just strong. An average person would struggle to lift that thing and pull their back.

(Seras): Yin-Yang how long do you plan on hiding?

*Yin-Yang jumps out of the tree with two of her clones and charges at Boll with her new katana. Boll fires off lighting and energy shots at Yin-Yang only to see that they were all clones. Yin-Yang along with 4 of other clones pops out from the ground and attacks Boll with 5 katana slashes*

(Yin-Ying): Faibusuta-kiri (5-star slash)!

*Yin-Yang’s attack destroys the shin guards of Boll’s armor*

(Boll): You damaged my armor. I’m going to burn you!

*Just as Boll prepares to fire an energy bolt at Yin-Yang his arm gets moved by invisible wires thanks to Mira*

(Mira): Attacking from behind. You really are the lowest of the low. Chibi if you would.

*Chibi takes out a talisman which summons a small ferret who shreds one of Boll’s gauntlets*

(Mira): Amazing, she can summon monsters now.

(Isis): Okay me next. Me next.

*Isis summons her new weapon which is a bo staff with clubs on it*

(Isis): A staff! You give everybody great weapons and power ups and all I get is a staff!? What am I supposed to do with this dance and hope I-

*Boll fires off a shot of lightning at Isis and Nitsuj. Nitsuj dodges it but a second shot is aimed for Isis who won’t have time to dodge. Just as she braces herself for the shock a riot shield ejects from the staff to protect Isis. Using the shield Isis closes the gap between her and Boll. When she’s within striking distance she tosses the lightning aside and strikes him with one end of the staff club upside the head. She then separates the staff into two nightsticks and proceeds to beatdown on him destroying Boll’s gauntlet. Isis stands there amazed at what just happened as Nitsuj smirks at her*

(Isis): Well, it’s still plain.

(Boll): My armor! Destroyed so easily!

(Jack Frost): And then along came the Jack Brothers. Snow bullet!

(Pyro Jack): Lantern bomb!

*The Jack Bros. attack a distracted Boll and destroy the chest armor removing the last piece of armor Boll has on him*

(Seras): Now where should I hit him?

(Nitsuj): Hold up Seras. This one is mine. Let’s do this Boll. No tricks, no weapons, no magic armor from outer space. Just two men who want to beat the crap out of each other.

*Nitsuj and Boll clash with each other and exchange punches back and forth. Boll gets a shot in at Nitsuj’s stomach but he recovers quickly and hits Boll with a headbutt followed by a few more punches which dazes Boll and finishes him off with a spinning heel kick to the side of the head which knocks Boll out*

(Boll): You cheated.

(Nitsuj): I never said we were fighting boxing style. You fight using boxing. I fight using martial arts and anime.

*Nitsuj picks up Boll*

(Nitsuj): Galactic punt!

*Nitsuj kicks Boll and he goes flying out of sight into the distance*

(Nitsuj): And the kick is good.

(Jack Frost): Really? That’s the best you could come up with?

(Nitsuj): Shut up! It works.

(Shizuku): Gotta say boss you were pretty badass taking Boll hand to hand like that.

(Nitsuj): Well I couldn’t have done without you guys. I owe you guys big time.

(Mira): It’s too bad Shizuku, Chibi, and I didn’t get the chance to show off our second forms.

(Isis): Oh I’m sure you’ll get a chance in the future to show off your skills.

(Yin-Yang): So where did you kick him off to this time master? Hopefully not space again.

(Nitsuj): Of course not. I sent him back where he belongs.

*Meanwhile in Wermelskirchen, Germany*

(News lady): This is Hilda with German news coming to you live outside of the Malerwinkel Hotel just 10 miles from Wermelskirchen where lousy film director Uwe Boll has fallen from the sky and into one of the rooms. Uwe Boll had gone missing over a year ago came flying from the sky and crash landed into one of the rooms on the top floor of the hotel. While Uwe Boll is still alive and in no serious danger he is unconscious and being carried out by the local paramedics as we speak. We have no idea where he came from or how he got here but one thing is for sure. As soon as he makes a recovery he will be shipped back to Hollywood where his work can continue to be mocked and ridiculed by Americans.

The End.

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